My children are nonetheless reeling from the cosmic injustice that Chick-fil-A closes on Sundays, and so it’s no shock that, after a couple of Trump-free days, dopamine-deprived People have been twitching for his or her subsequent ALL CAPS repair from the eye economic system’s reigning purveyor of entertaining outrage.
In case you missed it, President Trump not too long ago vanished from public sight for practically per week, leading to social media being flooded with hashtags declaring #TrumpDead.
Ultimately he resurfaced, however that didn’t reply the plain query: Why would a person who craves consideration the best way most of us crave oxygen go six straight days (!) with out a main public occasion?
Cue hypothesis — coronary heart assault, mini-stroke, alien abduction. The reality is on the market. We’re able to consider you.
In equity to the conspiracy theorists, Trump isn’t precisely the image of well being. At 79, he’s the oldest president ever sworn into workplace. His meals pyramid seemingly consists of McDonald’s fries and Food regimen Coke. And for those who’re pondering he’ll simply work off the additional energy by working wind sprints and doing burpees, Trump as soon as averred that train (aside from golf) saps vitality.
Maybe it’s no shock, then, that he’s been hobbling round with ankles swollen like microwaved hotdogs and a mysterious bruise on his hand that he tries to cowl in make-up.
Docs assured us this summer season that the swelling is the results of a manageable situation referred to as “persistent venous insufficiency,” and the bruises are as a consequence of aspirin and shaking arms with folks — a cute idea, besides that Trump has additionally been photographed with bruises on his left hand.
In fact, conspiracy theories often require somewhat assist from our so-called associates. Into this circus wandered JD Vance, who added lighter fluid to the rumor mill by telling USA Right this moment he was “able to assume the position of commander in chief” in case of a “horrible tragedy.”
Comforting, JD. Actually steadying the ship.
Then got here a so-called proof of life picture of Trump with former NFL coach Jon Gruden. The issue? The picture was considered per week outdated, at the very least, in keeping with the “Weekend at Bernie’s” crowd.
So Trump lastly did what he at all times does: He fired off a triumphant Fact Social put up proclaiming, “NEVER FELT BETTER IN MY LIFE.” Which, for those who’ve ever had an uncle who chain smokes Marlboro Reds and deep fries his personal Twinkies, is exactly the sentence uttered earlier than the EMTs discover him sprawled out in his rest room beside an empty KFC bucket.
Upon lastly resurfacing in particular person, Trump took a web page out of his personal disaster administration playbook by calling the hypothesis “faux information” and saying this form of factor is why “the media has so little credibility.”
The truth, although, is that these rumors weren’t cooked up by the New York Occasions or the others within the mainstream media. They unfold on-line, courtesy of conspiracy theorists, novice sleuths and other people whose schadenfreude ranges are off the charts.
Once more, although, it’s exhausting accountable them for refusing to disregard the plain. Trump isn’t the identical man he was in 2016. Even then, his cadence appeared comically bizarre and discursive. Right this moment, his voice is raspier, his gait slower, his eyes puffier. What’s extra, there’s no Joe Biden round to make him look spry by comparability.
And make no mistake, as we discovered as not too long ago as (checks notes) final 12 months, a president’s well being issues.
Consider Biden in that horrific debate. Or — for those who’d quite not — suppose FDR at Yalta, or Woodrow Wilson, whose spouse mainly ran the nation after he suffered a stroke. (If Trump begins signing off Fact Social posts with “Be Finest, Everybody,” you’ll know we’ve entered Edith Wilson territory.)
That is to say, there are many causes to be alarmed about Trump’s well being. Life is fragile (I’m sufficiently old to recollect after we nearly misplaced a president to a pretzel.)
Nonetheless, I can’t assist suspecting that a lot of the hypothesis is the results of wishcasting by Trump’s pissed off enemies who’re clinging to some, albeit macabre, “Deus ex machina” to unravel their political issues.
If you happen to consider Trump is a budding authoritarian, however one whose motion is so personality-driven it may’t outlive him, then his well being could be the solely precise test on his energy. Congress definitely isn’t going to rein him in.
However whereas it’s attainable the mortality desk will accomplish what elections couldn’t, placing all of your inventory on a cholesterol-laden cheeseburger to save lots of democracy is the political equal of shopping for lottery tickets for retirement.
Strongmen generally cling to life lengthy after their expiration dates. They generally tend to survive their enemies and their medical doctors lengthy after they’ve outstayed their welcome.
So whereas it’s not loopy to suspect the White Home is hiding one thing from us with regard to Trump’s well being, if the Democrats are relying on plaque buildup to do what they’ll’t or gained’t do on the poll field, they may very well be in for an extended, chilly winter.
Matt Ok. Lewis is the writer of “Filthy Wealthy Politicians” and “Too Dumb to Fail.”
