[PHONE RINGING] Howdy? Sure, I’d like to talk to Congress, please. I’m on maintain, however I’m making an attempt to succeed in Congress on behalf of the Kingdom of Denmark. Now, my first language is Danish, however I figured I’d do that in English, since I understand how a few of you Individuals really feel about individuals who communicate international languages. “It’s a must to communicate English.” Anyway, the rationale I’m reaching out is the northern a part of the dominion, particularly Greenland, the world’s largest distraction. Sorry, I imply, the world’s largest island. However pay attention, we right here within the Kingdom of Denmark are getting a really Venezuelan vibe about the way in which the American president is speaking about us proper now. “We’re going to be doing one thing with Greenland, both the great means or the tougher means.” So what do you do when an worker goes rogue? Nicely, what I’ve discovered, primarily from watching American TV reveals, you ask to talk to the supervisor. And in Trump’s case, that may be Congress. I imply, they’ll management the finances. They will maintain investigations. They will even fireplace him. However they appear to be sleeping on the job. “Mr. Moore. Mr. Moore.” Therefore, my cellphone name. However whereas I’m on maintain, perhaps we will speak, America? To begin, let’s take a look at a map. That is Greenland. Roughly 50,000 Greenlanders reside there. And it’s not inexperienced in any respect. It’s white. It’s all white. Possibly that’s why that Stephen Miller man loves it a lot. That is Denmark. Nearly 2,000 miles away. Six million Danes reside right here. We do minimalism. We do Lego. We do hygge. We do the fats shot. That’s us. Now, Denmark and Greenland aren’t the identical nation. However we’re in a relationship. We share a king, however now we have particular person governments. We’re very completely different, however we make it work. To place it in American phrases, we’re like Trump and Melania. Had been formally collectively, functionally separate and each pretending it’s very regular. America and Denmark truly go means again. We normally observe blindly everytime you guys really feel like invading a rustic. We did it with the gulf conflict. We did it with Afghanistan. We did it with Iraq. Coalition of the keen. “We’ll lead a coalition of keen nations to disarm him.” We have been the keen. However this time, we will’t assist you to, since you’re speaking about invading a rustic that we already invaded. Look, we already know the way colonialism ends. We’ve seen this movie earlier than. “India in revolt.” “Protesters smoked out by the police.” Right here’s why invading Greenland, the straightforward means or the onerous means, can be unhealthy for America and for the world. I believe I would like some recent air. Danish missionaries invaded Greenland in 1721, slowly taking up the nation. And for 250 years, we did no matter we wished to them, principally going full colonial on them. Even within the twentieth century, we have been inserting IUDs into Greenlandic ladies to restrict the inhabitants. We have been separating Greenlandic youngsters from their households, sending them to Denmark. Horrible stuff. We even let America construct army bases in Greenland. In the course of the Chilly Struggle, you guys had 10,000 troops based mostly there. You even crashed a B-52 carrying 4 nuclear bombs there in 1968. Bear in mind? “The hunt is on to find the lacking nuclear weapons.” So what did we Danes study from the previous couple of centuries? Nicely, the plain. No inhabitants goes to be proud of a international authorities ruling over them. The Greenlanders hated us for hundreds of years. Some nonetheless do. So Trump invading Greenland shouldn’t be going to assist America’s place on the worldwide stage or at house. And I do know he says he’s the preferred president in the preferred nation for the reason that daybreak of time. “I’m a really secure genius.” However belief me, he’s not. And going old-school colonial on Greenland shouldn’t be going to assist. Anyway, again to the historical past lesson. In 1979, Greenland voted for larger autonomy from Denmark and to type its personal authorities. And that is vital, as a result of Trump retains speaking about shopping for Greenland. “The truth that they’d a ship land there 500 years in the past doesn’t imply that they personal the land.” Denmark doesn’t personal Greenland anymore. Greenland owns Greenland. Us Danes even requested the Greenlanders how they’d really feel about being purchased. “300,000 kroners.” “No. No, he may by no means purchase us, ever in my life. I might —” “500,000?” “No.” You see, we all know the Greenlanders. They’re a proud Indigenous people who find themselves not inquisitive about being Individuals. You possibly can’t simply purchase them off. So Trump is operating wild. He’s kidnapping presidents. He’s invading different international locations with out congressional approval. And albeit, we don’t need that mess spilling into Greenland or Europe — or Legoland, for that matter. So once more, that’s why we’re making an attempt to talk to the supervisor. However Congress nonetheless isn’t choosing up the cellphone. Howdy? [CRICKETS] “The Individuals are decided to retrieve their bombs.” “We’re nonetheless wanting.”
